spoke to a new friend yesterday, onli then did i feel guilty bout so many things ive done for the past year. its not gona b convenient to type wat happened.. but i pondered on many issues b4 i feel into snooze.

wat has happened to my trust level.. y issit tt within myself, i find it tt difficult to start trusting someone fully. has it gota do with my past experience with ppl? has it gota do with how ppl used to backstab me in the past? lets deal with 2 things today. first, the issue of trusting ppl.. second, the past.

trusting ppl? seriously, i find it realli so hard to. i dunno why? sometimes i think twice bout the things ppl tell me.. and i wonder wats their motive and intention. i pondered upon this issue even more after i discovered more things yesterday. just why? i dunno how to tackle this issue already. after the truth yesterday, i was guilty like shit. the way i treated tt particular someone. damn shit. why was i alwix doubting the words, why was i alwix thinking if something else was going on behind my back.. im sorrie.. im realli sorrie...

mum was rite afterall, it onli took this person a simple task. to build enuf confidence in me and then with a simple statement, swept me off my feet and spoilt my entire day. wat the hell was i doing? why was i believing in this person so much? i know i sound a lil way ward. how on earth did i have difficulty trusting ppl and yet believed in this person that much? i screamed at myself yesterday nite.. and i teared yet again.. for having misunderstood someone so important and dear to me.

2nd issue.. the past. she was rite. everyone has a past.. thinking and going into every single's past is going gimme misery. and many a times, i have had countless arguments with alwin coz of his past. i wasnt onli like tt towards alwin.. i was like tt towards all of my ex bfs! i was concerned bout raymond's ex.. bout manfred's ex.. bout kaitah's ex.. bout kiong's ex.. the onli person i wasnt concerned with was yong.. *laughs* coz he got no ex ma.. i was his first. i just had this curiousity in me.. i just wanted to know.. and i realised i had gone thru lotsa measures just to find out who these ppl were! except for berlinda of coz.. we happened to mit on the net.. *smiles*

i think alwin is getting realli tired over explaining his past to me.. im sorrie dear.. i onli realised yesterday how detrimental it would be to our r/ship. and i also onli realised yesterday how bad i had been to u in the last 2 weeks over ur past, my mood swings.. but u were still so patient with me.. *hugs* dui bu qi... love ya..

had a long long tok with mum 2 days back.. she said after i was with alwin, ive became a better person (wah, dear.. u score point again hor.. =P).

had a long tok with jia yesterday too.. finally had a chance to tok to someone on the phone and yell out all of my grievances, my feelings deep down and every damn thing tt is inside for so blardy long. same for her lah! hahaha.. the way she was toking to me.. i could FEEL her emotions.. machiam in there ever since she last toked to someone. anyway.. am glad we are all fine now..

k lah, write again soon.. am in sch now.. *bah* boring day..



d3niz

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