Warning: Long entry. Long Long entry

I found the urgent need to blog about my very mixed feelings. There was nobody more appropriate than my comfort zone, this place where many of my thoughts collide..

That morning, when he suddenly jumped out of bed, i felt something amiss. i still wanna stress upon the fact that the woman's six sense is beyond doubt. true enough, when i got up and walk out of the room, he was on the computer.

she is back and he was replying to her email.

i sat down on the bed, and asked.. "who's this?"

he said.."lynn"

that lady that haunted me the day we were together, and the day i knew about her. i knew for the past 2.5 years, she was always around in his mind even when we were together. i didnt blame him for it, because i know everyone has their own set of memories. and for the fact that she was his first love of 4 years made things even more difficult for him.

she had broke his heart so badly, that at times i could feel his sorrow.

that night, 2 hours into my birthday, i lay on my boy's chest.. and told him, for the first time, the fears in me. i didnt know if i made the right decision or choice, but because the lady left him just like that, i knew he wanted an answer.

for the entire day after i saw him replying the mail, i asked myself why was the answer so important since it was 6 years ago.. and since we are already together. then i realised, that the answer was important to my boy, because he had to know the answer to move on. hopefully.

i told him gently, as i took refuge in his arms, that i want him to go find out the answer and have a fullstop to the entire saga. he asked if he should really go find out.

well, the whole difference between me and him was that i know my ex made that decision, but i didnt want to know why. be it a good or a bad reason, what difference does it make now? i chose to close the chapter with a "happily ever after", well, even though it was pretty painful for me.
von is right, everyone has memories.. but for my boy, this whole thing, was pain. pain that resided in him for 6 years. 6 whole years.

these days, internet became an important word to my boy. you may not have realised it, but yes dear, you're constantly at the computer giving and receiving replies.

Ironically, even though i was the one who encouraged him to go ahead, i felt lost many times. i want him to be a happy man with no bad memories of the past. i know of the fact that he needs to know the reason before he moves on, just like what happened between him and jo. but will these lead to another story? will this lead to another beginning?

i fear. sometimes, being sensitive is not a good thing. one thought leads to another, and another, and another. all negative stuffs. the lady keeps talking bout all other stuffs, BUT THE REPLY.

so do i wait for reply and hope my boy moves on? or if she doesnt reply, live with the fact that she will always be a part of us? sometimes, i really wished i could be the one emailing her. she really doesnt know how hurt he is.. and how much he really wants to know... and how much he still keeps her photographs and cards.. i wish i could tell her to stop leading him on.

i asked myself, why is it that i am able to tolerate this. i honestly do not know.

i know for the fact that i will never be able to replace her in your heart and that 100% of you will never totally be mine. i may not be your best girlfriend nor the one that can really take care of you. i may have my very foul temper and my all sorts of nonsense.

above all, i know i did my best as a girlfriend.. and i know thats all i can give you.

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